When you woke up this morning and put on your bland suit in preparation for your hearing, I bet you looked yourself in the mirror and thought: Today’s the day. Katie Porter’s not going to get me.
Well, I’m Representative Katie Porter’s whiteboard, and I’ve got a message scrawled upon my glistening façade: We’re about to kick your ass.
If you haven’t seen Rep. Porter mopping the floor with the officials from the CDC yet, you should 100% watch the video below before you read the piece on McSweeney’s. It’s worth your time, I promise.
I did the math: a full battery of coronavirus testing costs at minimum $1,331.
I also did the legal research: the Administration has the authority to make testing free for every American TODAY.
I secured a commitment from a high-level Trump official that they’d actually do it. pic.twitter.com/RmolCtmNbG
Something unusual happened to me yesterday. Actually, for me it wasn’t just unusual — it was a first. I was made an offer I couldn’t refuse. Or at least that’s what the top people at the National Enquirer thought. I’m glad they thought that, because it emboldened them to put it all in writing. Rather than capitulate to extortion and blackmail, I’ve decided to publish exactly what they sent me, despite the personal cost and embarrassment they threaten.
Good on Bezos for standing up to these buckets of slime posing as humans at The National Enquirer, but woe be unto us, the rest of humanity, as the likelihood that we’re going to see Bezos’s Bits has increased 700%.
I love these ads, but I’m horrified to discover that I share any beliefs with Ted Cruz (that belief being that White Castle is delicious, and yes, I will gladly die on that hill).
This Fourth of July, let’s remember the Presidents who might not have made anything better, but sure as hell didn’t actively make everything worse all the damn time, shall we?
“If an armed intruder attempts to gain entrance to any of our classrooms, they will face a classroom full of students armed with rocks and they will be stoned,” Superintendent David Helsel said to the House Education Committee in Harrisburg.
I swear, we live in the dumbest of all future dystopian society timelines.
But when we needed a break from that, we did find some stuff that was slightly amusing, because we can’t be all “everything is shit” all the time, y’know?
Cow Farts are Killing the Environment
Farts are the stock and trade of Nearly Coherent, so when I saw this headline from Gizmodo, I knew we had to discuss it:
Sadly, I didn’t really read the article before we spoke about it, and my internet connection was being a turd so I couldn’t do a “read faster than Jeff can ask questions” maneuver, so all we really spoke about was the headline, but, still, what a great headline, right?!
A Buncha Shit Re: DC Comics Movies
I’ve been pretty vocal regarding how I feel about DC Comics’ current run of movies — specifically, they’re garbage and the company has no idea what the hell they’re doing at all — and apparently Warner Bros. has started to feel the same way, as they announced that they’re going to focus more on standalone films from now on.
Personally, I think this is a great idea — DC has always worked best in my estimation when they embrace the idea of their Multiverse, and this will be a strong differentiator for their properties from Marvel Studios. Sure, this adds a variety of ways that they can totally screw up, but this makes it easier to walk those screw-ups back in a much faster way.
That was more or less that for this week… Fingers crossed we can make it to next week without some other Earth-shattering catastrophe to distract from stupid crap! (I’m not holding my breath on that one, though, to be honest.)
Go listen to the episode yourself at Nearly Coherent or wherever else you go to get your podcasts. Whatever makes you happy.
This episode is proof-positive we’re in the Darkest Timeline. Sorry!
Trump v. Sportsball
No one is more upset than I am at Trump’s feud with the NFL and Stephan Curry, both because I’m a hard-line supporter of the First Amendment and because now I know things about sports, which is the last thing in the world I wanted.
This isn’t really a big deal — you can always expect pretty big leaps in technical capabilities between the first generation of a device and the second or third, and you can especially expect it when the device is made by Apple. The people who might be a little annoyed by this, though, are the people who bought the first generation solid gold Apple Watch Edition, which started at $18,000. They might have expected a little more longevity out of their purchase.
Then again, they were dumb enough to buy an $18,000+ Apple Watch, so they’re kinda getting what they deserve, honestly.
A $350 Jean Jacket
Jean jackets are back, much to my dismay, and Levi’s released their new Commuter Trucker denim jacket yesterday, which retails $350. Admittedly, it’s a jacket with a li’l technological trick up its sleeve… by swiping or tapping the fabrics on the left cuff, you can control your smartphone via Bluetooth. It’s also made in partnership with Google, so you don’t have to worry about the technical know-how of the fine folks at Levi’s in the hopes that the thing will work, which is nice.
That said, for $350, you can also buy an Apple Watch and not look like a time traveler from 1997, which might be a better look all-around, if you ask me. But hey, it’s your money, spend it how you want, weirdo!
There’s plenty more in the episode to entertain and probably horrify you, so visit Nearly Coherent or wherever you get your podcast fix to give it a listen.
